The Dark Half

We’ve survived Midwinter, but the death-cycle of the year is not yet over. Winter’s second half is always the worst part of the year for me emotionally… things I want to accomplish seem impossible, I mourn my father’s passing, and the world outside is deadly cold. Sometimes when Bastian’s outside playing I stand at the door or window watching and worrying about the temperature.

Soon enough we’ll start the celebrations of the light returning, but if I could hit a magical fast forward button on the next few months I would do it in a heartbeat. Perhaps this should tell me something. This is a time for inner workings and change to come for us as spiritual creatures living day to day in a harsh physical world. When the grass is buried under the whiteout and the trees are barren of fruit we have little choice but to focus on that which we can only affect from within ourselves. We all know there are things about ourselves we choose (consciously or not) to ignore or avoid dealing with. I’m always wanting to meditate more, and for years I have done nothing to facilitate that. There’s always some excuse why I can’t set aside a time of day for myself: there’s too much else to do or the kids are unwilling to stay out of my hair for long enough.

It’s also difficult for me to go into my sacred space and spend time communing with those spiritual energies because everywhere I go, indoors or out, I feel the cold in my bones. My fingers or toes will hold the chill and the rest of me is usually in varying stages of discomfort from it. We just lost one of our space heaters to old age, too, so if I want one with me during the day I’ll be stealing the one in the kids’ room. Thank god we have collected enough blankets and quilts over the years to bed a small army.

Today is a slightly better day than yesterday, only because I got to unload a little last night and the ear that I needed was eventually there to hear me. Maybe it’s just a seasonal depression, but at some point about an hour ago I felt human again… enough to get up and change a diaper that needed it badly and make lunch. Sometimes being another person’s caretaker can be a reason to get up off the couch when you’d rather just rot there.

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