I started this entry yesterday, threw my hands up and finally just cried.
…I’m struggling with the urge to reference all the people around me and how much they’re changing or how wacky “things” have become. Ultimately, though, I recognized last night that I am going through an ordeal of astronomical proportions.
Perhaps it’s because I worked my way up to the level of a 1st degree initiation with my former group, and then left that group and developed my own character to the point where said degree shoulda/woulda/coulda been given. It was offered, and I refused. I wanted to get it from people who I respected, people who respected me. I wanted to feel as if I’d earned it for real and was taken seriously. I wanted to take IT seriously.
For some of you this may not make any sense. For others, it will.
I’ve developed the theory that somehow the ordeals associated with these transitions have accumulated, waiting for me to undergo a ceremony. Now that I have had a ceremony of transition, but not the degree (at Samhain) …they are presenting themselves in military order. Full dress blacks, standing at attention, unwilling to be passed by. All this crap I’ve built up over the last few years, crap I buried nearly ten years ago… stuff I’ve kept in a locked box all my life (these are shameless metaphors, and I’m sorry).
True friends are revealed, untrue friends are rising to the surface, and somehow it’s all happening RIGHT NOW.
I’d like to go to a professional to talk about my emotional baggage. I’d like to deck a few people. I’d like to protect the friends who have completely shut me out for being concerned about them. At the very least, I’d like a chance to speak my piece and be HEARD.
I don’t know if any of that is possible… so what the hell do I do?