I’m a bad little pumpkin.
I haven’t really done anything naughty, but I’m up way too late again this weekend and I’m burning the candle at both ends again.
A small group of us went to the Ren fair today (Randy & kin, Karen, and I) and walked about. I spent WAY more than I intended to -BUT I walked out of there with a nice leather pouch which was on sale and a beautiful bodice of my very own. So now I don’t have to borrow garb anymore. I do need more chemises and skirts, but that’s EASY stuff to make and it’s like 30-100+ bucks at fair.
Of course, I couldn’t resist the urge to walk by the Griffen Candle Company. There was my personal demon sitting at the cash register. Soon his employer (not my personal demon but the benefactor of said demon) came out and stood with him. I’m not sure if either of them saw me on my first pass -but when we walked past on our way out I walked proudly down the middle of the lane with my chin up and my “you don’t exist to me” vibe on high. They must have seen me. God I hope they did. And I hope it made them squirm. I wanted so badly (before I actually got there) to walk into that place and buy a candle and just look him straight in the eye. I don’t really know what I would have said. I’m not sure what he would have said. Probably something stupid like “hi”.
Grr. I’m still fighting a lot of anger. Not anger for myself really, but anger that someone could just abandon his own child. More than once, even. I’m angry because he doesn’t care enough to even try to see Sebastian. I’m angry because she’s willing to employ the asshole and doesn’t care what she’s contributing to. I’m angry because they can play at the renaissance fair all summer and have fun while I’m working my ass off to take care of myself and my son. But I have the pleasure of knowing what my efforts are for. I have a reason to succeed, to excell. I have a connection, a love, that neither one of them can even COMPREHEND. They have their petty bullshit and their guilt and their karma. God I want to serve that karma to them on a big steamy platter -but I restrain myself. I do nothing.
Should I be doing something, though? Should I hunt down this “man” who got me pregnant and now pretends that I’m the antagonist in his life because he has to spend so much effort ignoring me and avoiding the state’s efforts to bring him to task? Should I attempt to bring him into my son’s life, or to squeeze him for the child support that’s constantly adding up as he doesn’t pay it?
He doesn’t deserve us, and as much as I may need that money to help me make a life for us I don’t want to pay the emotional price of recieving it. Bastard.
Still… I’m so affected by this crap. Seeing the both of them there really pushed and pulled my insides this way and that. I want to DO something, but I don’t know what.
I need to take up boxing or target shooting. Something.