Absent Friends

To be alone in a crowd is infinitely worse than being alone.

I found this quote in an old yearbook in my high school publications classroom and it has stayed with me ever since. I’ve been living it -on and off- ever since.

I went to a movie tonight with friends. The movie was entertaining. Andy was there. It was weird. Ackward is the word, I believe. It really hurt -the weirdness, I mean. I had been fine up until it dawned on me that the weirdness wasn’t imagined. I don’t know if I lost a chance there or just never had one. Honestly, it’s a dead issue -time and separation have dulled the butterflies I used to get at the possibility of being in his presence. Simple friendly association never seemed to be a plausible option with him, but tonight I just got hit with the feeling of loss.

My car was the loneliest thing I’d ever seen as I walked across the deserted multi-plex parking lot to it. The walk was even lonelier. As I walked I was gradually overwhelmed by the sadness again. I keep feeling as if I’ve shaken it off, only to be sucked back under when I’m least inclined to wallow in it. It isn’t the loss of a crush or a failed relationship that stirs it. It isn’t even the feelings of self-loathing that begin to whirl in my mind each time I enter a futureless non-relationship and end up fighting the urge to long for whoever’s sleeping with me at the time. I suppose it could be summed up to the loss of each glimmer of hope that appears (real or imagined) every time I feel a connection to someone. Friends who care eventually fade into social contacts who struggle to maintain whatever bond I may have formed with them. Lovers eventually realize that flings can only last so long and go looking for the next. Even the relationships that I form with people who always seem SO RIGHT end up being illusory.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to get it. I just know I’m in pain and there doesn’t seem to be a way out.

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3 thoughts on “Absent Friends

  1. Maybe a change in thought? I have a friend who always says.. There are millions of people in the world, when I lose a freind I go make another one. I like meeting new people.
    Me I’m the type who likes to keep all my friends. They are special to me and I feel the is substance to time, but I have adopted this attitude and it has helped me. I have also always believed that as long as I’m in a shitty relationship, I will never find the relationship that I’m meant to be in. I don’t know if that helps, but I’m sorry your in pain. Hopefully things will brighten soon, what movie did ya see?
    PS. I’m just barging in. I friended you after reading your journal once..

    Like

    1. Thanks for Barging…
      I never mind commenters -even if they’re being mean at least they’re contributing. =)
      Actually, that is a good attitude to have to an extent. I also value friendships that have much time put into them -but the older I get the more sensitive I seem to be getting. Maybe it’s just PMS. LoL

      Like

      1. Re: Thanks for Barging…
        I’m glad you don’t mind, and I’m certainly not going to be mean. I just try to offer different points of view when I have them. I hope it is just PMS. I know hormones can always make me feel a little more than usual:)

        Like

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