I realized today that I still have a crush on someone. It’s not like an obsessive crush or even one that may ever go anywhere. It’s like this meloncholy feeling that can only be described as regret. We may never know whether we were “for” each other. I suppose that things happen for reasons. Wow, that was vague.
I dunno. I mean, I’ve technically been single since September and I’m deciding lately that this coming September isn’t that far off. Perhaps I should promise myself not to get “involved” with anyone until then. You know, take like a cleansing period of one year to get all the old relationship ick off my aura or whatever. Perhaps it’s just the bad luck from all my former relationships that’s been holding me back from finding a good healthy one with a normal person.
Either way, I saw someone tonight who I haven’t interacted with in a while. We didn’t really interact tonight but we were in each other’s presence. What’s funny is that we’ve had such fleeting one-on-one time and the last real “talk” we had was the discussion which established that we were both attracted and he wasn’t willing to take the risk. I don’t feel rejected -that’s the genius of his statements- I just wish I was worth taking a gamble. I understand his not wanting to risk “ostrisization” if that’s a word. Still, the social implications of our mutual attraction could be used either for good or evil.
Sigh. I’m just forlorn and feeling a bit romantic. If only the people around me could see what I’m like. The worst part is that there IS a person who’s longing for me right now, and he’s so not the one. He thinks that he’s in love, he’s being pushy and making me uncomfortable and I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I also can’t take much more of this generally inappropriate behavior. So here I am longing for a “someone” to call my own, not sure if there’s one right in front of me or not, and I’m someone else’s “someone” -but unwilling to be what he wants. It isn’t ME that he’s pining for, just the image of me he’s constructed. That’s really frustrating considering we have already tried dating and (in my opinion) we nearly lost our friendship altogether.
What to do. I’m going to take a “cleansing” period of one year (starting last September) and not allow myself to be fettered. ‘Course I’m not getting any either. Casual sex has kind of overstayed it’s welcome in my life. It just isn’t worth it anymore.
Romance… I’m still a believer!