The mess and the hunger…

GOD, I’m starving this morning. And the apartment (once again) looks as though a tornado went through it.

I’m counting the days to spring break, and most importantly spring!

I already got one person to take action on my HRC action page! I’m so happy! I just with I could add more stuff to it. I’m sure there’s a way, but I don’t know how to yet.

I really wanted this to be a good entry, you know, interesting? But I’m so hungry I can’t think of anything else.

Last night while I was working I had another of those semi-religious experiences. I was coming back from a delivery (pizza, that is) and the sky was just beautiful -shades of aquadescending to the horizon where the last few rays of the past-set sun were turning the blues into greens. It was warm (Practically 40 degrees) and quiet. I love the night, I swear that “god” is closer to me then.

Working outside has always been a draw to me, and driving makes it fun, too. I’ve been struggling between the logic that tends to take precedence over my beliefs and the spirituality I feel so connected to. Faith is believing in something without reason, and I’ve always had a problem doing that. I mean, just because someone tells you to believe something -that’s just another human’s word. That’s not worth much these days, but I don’t know if it ever could have been something to stake one’s eternal soul on.

Most of my beliefs, though, are pretty ambiguous. I don’t believe there’s something more to life than the physical world we see just because someone told me to.

I really FEEL there’s something more to reality. When I look at the stars, why does my heart feel like it’s being lifted, pulled to join them? Why do I want to open my arms and embrace the sky sometimes?

Often we, as humans, feel the need to be special or desired. Perhaps the belief in diety/the spirit world gives us hope that we will someday be a part of something special. Or that we as humans can interact with these worlds, making us special or gifted. I don’t know, but I do believe that we are spiritual creatures as well as physical. It’s just that some people aren’t capable of sensing it -or don’t want to. I think emotions are a real connection to that reality too.



3 thoughts on “The mess and the hunger…

  1. I’m so with ya on your thoughts here. My own take is that a lot of “problems” people have are in fact their own inability to handle whatever “talents” they may possess, as without training, or even a general belief that such “talents” exist, having them could drive you mad. I strongly suspect quite a few people with addiction problems are merely medicating themselves to ignore what they can’t shut out, that many people with “mental conditions” even including ADD, ADHD and similar, are in fact merely misdiagnosed with untrained and unbelieved talents…
    (side note..i also think a lot of ADD, ADHD is caused by artificial food colorings, dyes, and preservatives..reinforced by watching several friends take their kids off those ingredients and noting MASSIVE improvements in behavior, without having to add ritalin)
    Either way, I also believe that engaging one’s emotions helps open the channels between one’s Conscious self and one’s Inner self and that fucked up emotions WILL skew one’s abilities and talents. I also happen to have first-hand experience with my hypothesis. Having had all my emotions fucked up when i was much younger, i have noticed it makes me very insensitive to things i can’t “calculate” or derive by indirect means.
    and since i’ve encountered “presences” before, not being able to fully relate to emotional states puts me at a very big disadvantage in dealing with them.
    i’m still workin on it. šŸ™‚


  2. I’m so there
    First off, I have to say that I LOVE reading your journals!!! They’re so entertaining!
    Second, I totally feel you. I have been in that place recently. Like, random desires to go to church, but not knowing where to go; feeling like someone else really is making things special just for me – even if only for 5 minutes, like a sunset or a beautiful bouquet of flowers for $5.
    I actually find it amusing to sit and wonder about things I don’t neccessarily understand, such as the environment and the extent and grandeur of it. I actually get very emotional about it. I mean, today was amazingly, undeservingly beautiful. I couldn’t get enough of it. I was outside all afternoon. And even though my apartment is a complete shithole and my life is a bit of a mess, this sweet day and being out in it and watching everyone else enjoy it totally made it seem okay. Granted, it could be attributed to general distraction, but I like to think that I have a deeper appreciation for these simple things that no one can control……
    I think as far as the human race is concerned, we are overcome with desire to believe in SOMETHING, anything. I mean any diet or fashion trend we blindly follow, so why should it be different for faith? I guarantee that half the people that go to church are just there because they need something to hold onto.
    I personally don’t believe in one faith, I know that there is some higher power. I feel it. Anyway, I really like the spin you put on this feeling about interacting with other “worlds” and some being able to sense it better than others.
    sorry this was so long!!


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