Well it’s late.
I should be studying Latin (perhaps I’ll give it a look-see before nigh-nigh) right now, but I haven’t posted in a while and I need to do something relaxing.
I just feel a bit on edge right now. Earlier today I was getting all kinds of things done -interviewed for the college relations asst. position, went downtown to get copy of Bastian’s birth certificate for the Apartment application, and visited the cell phone provider for text messaging and photo uploads.
Now that the day has slowed to a close, I’m realizing that I have all this homework I should have done this afternoon/evening, but I know the instant I open those books and start trying to read, the words will swim and my eyelids will struggle shut. When I was younger I was so in control of my body and it’s functions.
It’s funny, and kind of backwards, but the older I get the less power I have over myself when I’m tired. My eyes will shut themselves if I’m too tired. It doesn’t matter if I’m driving, reading, or operating a chainsaw -when I’m sleep deprived my shit shuts down. The only exception, interestingly, was when I was dealing with my son in his first several weeks of life. I was getting sometimes less than 5 hours of sleep a week, but the instant he made a sound or was crying or needing something -I was wide awake.
There was one occasion I remember, when he was finally starting to get adjusted to the world, and could lift his head and such: I walked into the living room holding him and literally swayed in place. I knew right then that if I didn’t sit I would pass out completely. I was more exhausted in that one moment than I think I’ve ever been in my life.
Honestly, the hardest things about raising a child with no partner aren’t what you’d think. I guess it is tough finding financial stability and emotionally I’m sometimes a wreck; but most people don’t realize how hard it is to find time to shower with no one home to keep an eye on the baby or sleep when you have a newborn who needs to eat every 2-4 hours and sleeps in intervals of an hour or less throughout the day. I think most people without children are either unwilling or unable to grasp these huge little details of childrearing. I suppose that not all partners carry their weight and share the responsibilities equally. Still, I sometimes imagine what it would have been like to have someone who I felt able to share these responsibilities with.
Pure musings, this post. I’m not feeling especially sorry for myself today. =)
Honestly, I get to look at my son now (he’s almost TWO!) and I’m really proud of him. My love for him, and my pride at how well he’s developing and learning, are the best rewards I could ever have hoped for. Even though I still want him to someday have a father, I get to claim ALL the responsibility for the BEAUTIFUL kid he’s turning out to be. I’m so in love. =)