I’m looking so hard to figure out what i want. I need to rest.
My eyes are burning due to my wearing contacts too long. I’ve been better this week. Getting more things done. The Semester is coming to a close and I have to get the ball back in it’s track. I also need to get this crush situation taken care of SOON. I’m so tired of going through the week looking forward to Sunday, only to joke around and give all the dumb-ass “I don’t want him to know because I’m a chicken shit, so I’ll sabotage myself when he flirts” responses. I suck. I’ve had so many opportunities to hint at liking this guy and I think I’ve taken advantage of this ONCE in the last month. Truly, though… he heard me. He practically recited all my comments to me this Sunday on the porch.
I still can’t read him. I still don’t know if he’s trying to tell me it’s possible or just being insensitive and mocking my attempts to get around his “on stage personalities”.
This reminds me of the situation with Drew. He kept saying “I’m madly in like with you” and “I want to make passionate ‘like’ to you”. I couldn’t figure out whether he was scared to say “I love you” or wanted to keep me around despite his complete lack of feelings. It turned out to be the latter. That was a blow.
My gut instincts have improved, however, tenfold. Intuition is kicking me in the shin telling me to open up, at least try, invite him out somewhere. My wounded love organ is cowering in fear of what it sees as inevitable rejection and pain. My brain is frustrated because of the conflict and the emotional nature of the situation. I’m a jumble of discordant feelings. I need to know, one way or the other, so I can either move on or really make an effort.
I’m sleepy and lonely. I’m going to go sleep with my body pillow tonight.